Soap is not a condiment
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
