I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
