I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
