I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
