when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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