how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
