Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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