Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
