So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
