At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
