Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
