i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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