what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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