Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
