On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
