I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
