i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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