i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
