I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I intend to get homeless drunk
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
