I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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