He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
