Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
you're hired as official boob wrangler
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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