I met the friendliest cop last night
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
