you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
