i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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