Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
