his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
