Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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