1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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