Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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