Just took my morning after pill in the library
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
