Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
