Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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