i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
