i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I did not marry a roomba.
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