i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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