and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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