I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
