I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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