What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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