Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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