gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
