Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
