I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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