took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
