You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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