My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
