the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
