if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
