I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
