Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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