i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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