FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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